Every year there is always a struggle for what to get moms for Mother’s Day. Mothers give so much of themselves to their children and their entire families. Mother’s Day is the one day a year children and partners can show how much they are MOM. The reality is that if you are a mother to a child with ADHD, ADD or learning/behavioral issues many of your days may be more difficult. Many days mothers of ADHD kids may find it more difficult to keep giving and giving while they are secretly questioning every thing they do. This is especially true if your ADHD children are school aged or adolescents dealing with hormones!
To be honest, in my limited experience as a mother, I have found that Mother’s Day is rarely about what the mother wants. It’s not a self-pity thing, I’m just stating a fact. Every year my husband tries to make a big to-do, with a big brunch, people, presents and flowers… did I mention I’m odd and don’t like flowers?? I find it hard to have something so pretty and watch it die. I would much prefer a plant, or better year a potted herb that I can actually eat!
For this year I am offering some help and advice on what a mother of children with ADHD/ADD may want for Mother’s Day.
Time
There never seems to be enough time. Especially if your kids play sports or do activities. It’s not that anyone has a time machine and can create more time. It’s more that mothers could have more time if kids and partners stepped in and helped out a bit more. It’s not that moms want to push off the things they need to do. If we are being honest, I really don’t mind doing laundry. In fact, I find it a bit therapeutic. But I also wouldn’t mind a second pair of hands folding. For that matter it’d be nice if people in my house just picked up clothes off the floor or put things away. Wouldn’t that be a great gift… not having to go around the house picking up every tiny thing. It’s not about pitching in, it’s more about helping out so that mom can perhaps carve out a small piece of pie for herself.
Understanding
This is probably the easiest gift but also one of the hardest for mothers to receive and others to give. Being a mom of an ADHD is challenging. ADHD is something you usually can’t notice when looking at a child. The things they go through can take a toll on the children and also their parents. Sometimes when my son goes to school, I just sit there and cry a bit. I’m not mad that he yelled and screamed at me, or pushed his sister into a wall. It’s that I feel so bad that I can’t help him more. I know he is showing only the tip of the iceberg at what he is going through and I feel for how he must feel dealing with everything. I also wouldn’t change being my kids mom or them for anything in the world.
Moms aren’t looking for someone to come in and take over and fix things, sometimes we just want someone to get it and commiserate with us that many days are amazing, but some days are a little less great.
Patience
This is a gift mother’s need to give themselves. There is nothing wrong with stepping away from a situation and having a breather to recharge. All children will push their limits and test parent’s patience. With my ADHD kids they can sometimes get so ramped up pushing my limits they don’t even realize it. They can get so excited and almost in a flurry or rage of emotions and anger they have no idea what they are saying or doing. When this happens, I have to have patience and know they don’t really mean to act this way. I have to remember they are great kids dealing with a lot. And most importantly, I have to remember they need me to help guide them. Even when I want to scream back, I need to be there and set an example to help them guide through the difficult times.
Support
For many mothers it’s not always easy to accept support. We are their mothers. We can take care of EVERYTHING on our own right? WRONG! There is a reason the saying came about ‘it takes a village’ and ‘no man (mom) is an island”. Just because you can do everything doesn’t mean you need to. Let those around you help. Whether it’s helping make lunches, watching the kids or taking them for an evening.
For me it’s hard because my son’s ADHD and anxiety tend to get exaggerated in times of change and every evening when his medications wear off. He loses control and has difficulty controlling himself. This has meant that since he was a young age most family did not feel comfortable managing him. Which also meant that mom did not get many breaks. But as all things pass and as he gets older he is doing better at being self aware and regulating himself. And I am now able to get more breaks and support from family. This only came with me reaching out and asking for support in small areas first and working up to being able to go out for an evening. And on the rare occasion away for a night with my husband.
Unconditional love and encouragement from your partner and close friends
This is SO very important. No one created a child by themselves and no one raises them alone too. Whether it’s a hug on your worst days or drinks on Friday where you can just talk with another mom without judgement, both are crucial to moms survival! You are a mother and YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB! That doesn’t mean you can’t sometimes be a wife, friend, sister or whatever else you want to be that is just for you! You have nothing to lose by carving out a piece of pie for yourself.
You will only be a better person and mother by making sure you are taken care of too!
Something from the heart
This may sound corny but I don’t want a big expensive present. I want my children to sit down and pour a part of themselves into something they made for me. I want them to think about all the things I do for them and all the things I do with them and feel all the love I give them every day and pour that into something that expresses how they feel.
In our house my daughter started drawing a family portrait for us. She has been doing it since she was around 4 and every year she gives me a new updated portrait. My son is so creative with words he always creates me a story or poem. These are both my prized possessions displayed in my office. They also help on the days when I question whether I am actually helping raise my children into productive contributing members of society. I can look at these gifts and feel that maybe they won’t turn out so bad… that doesn’t usually last long until I have to go back to yelling, but it’s nice in that moment.
Share the love
No matter what you get for mom, just remember to let her know that you love her and appreciate all she does. Especially on Mother’s Day!
If your children are too small or unable to express how they feel for whatever reason, remember you are their rock and they love you. It’s not the best situation, but remember even when your ADHD kid may be having a complete breakdown and so angry at you, it’s because YOU ARE A GOOD MOM. Your ADHD kid feels so secure in your love for them, they know it’s a safe space to release stress, anxiety and anger and you will still love them.
Also, not just on Mother’s Day, but every day if you ever see a mom going through a hard time and dealing with a lot just give her a smile, a head nod or a hug. Share the love to moms on Mother’s Day and the other 364 days of the year!
